O boy.
Sometimes I think that people out there is watching me and laughing their asses off. Is it just me, or do you often feel like you’re the actor/actress on some big movie screen and there is an audience watching you but you can’t see them? I feel that way all the time. When something good happens in my life, I feel like people are thinking, like “She’s so fucking lucky, I hate her.” Or when something bad happens in my life, all the guys grab their nutsacks and say, “Oooh that’s gotta hurt. Better her than me.” Or when I do something really stupid and embarrassing, all the people spit up their drinks and say, “This girl is insane.” I feel that way constantly and have since I was a kid. I used to have dreams where I lived in a glass house and my neighbors could see me through one way mirrors (even going to the bathroom) and I had absolutely no privacy. It scared me as well as thrilled me. Kind of like Britney Spears, who says she hates not having privacy, but she purposely lives in a place where papparazzi thrive, and goes to places where she knows she’ll be photographed. Oxymoron? Perhaps. But I get it.
Today I rode my bike as usual and began reflecting over memories. Sometimes I’d laugh hysterically aloud, and other times I’d feel my body tense up as I thought of things that were not so good. It seemed as though whatever song I listened to on my ipod reflected how I felt at that moment. Sometimes I would belt out a song as loud as I could while riding in empty areas. By the time I finished my bike ride, I think I experienced 15 different moods. If anyone watched that on a movie screen, I swear people would think I was schizo or something. I’d like to think I’m just in touch with all sides of me, that’s all.
Two nights in a row, an anonymous person (well, I’d like to think it was two different people to be honest), left Halloween packages at my doorstep with a typed up sheet of paper with the word “Boo” on it. Someone did it to me last year as well, and I can only assume it’s one of my neighbors. Of course, the stuff they left for me are things I can’t actually use or eat, because I’ve changed my eating habits. Last year, I gave the stuff to someone else. This year, I suppose I’ll have to do that again. Is it wrong to give a gift away to a different person? I can’t eat the halloween candy, can’t eat the apple butter, can’t eat all the sugar stuff, but I appreciate the token. And what happens if I give it away to the same person who gave it to me? It’s not like I know who sent it. But I just can’t eat it and it feels rude to just throw it away after someone clearly went out of their way to give it to me.
A few things going on: slave angelica is out of the picture - she’s chosen a lucrative career over slavery. Also deidre is single for the first time ever but is no longer calling herself a slave. She’s currently living with another submissive girl… *sigh* I’m happy to see her happy because she deserves it. But is it selfish of me to still think about a life with her?
My dad invited me to a family reunion in Santa Cruz for Christmas, but I’ve already made plans to have other family members fly out to California to see me. I guess that’s what happens when divorce happens. Half the family goes one place and the other half goes somewhere else. And the thing is, I kinda want to go because those folks are pretty cool. Found out my cousin Annette is engaged (jeez, I still picture her at 15 years old, it’s hard to picture her as an adult now). It’s so weird knowing my cousin Isabella (that’s how I got Isabella Valentine) is no longer 2 years old, but is growing up every day. I think she’s 6 or 7 now. Part of the reason I’ve decided not to go to the reunion is because my dad and grandparents refuse to accept the fact I’m a lesbian. They want no part of it and dad told me if I ever got a girlfriend, he didn’t want to know about it and she would not be welcome in the house. My ex-girlfriend / fling’s father lives only one mile away from my dad, so if I went to Santa Cruz, I’d want to visit her to spend time with her and her dad. But my dad would give the cold shoulder and/or preach to us and tell us that homosexuality is a sin. The last time I visited her and her father, my dad made me visit them separately and at one point, said if I wanted to visit, then my girlfriend would have to sit in the car while I went inside the house. It really hurt my feelings. As a compromise, she and I visited our fathers separately and then met up together an hour later. But not just that, I’m almost finished publishing my father’s book - which ironically is a Christian book. I’m doing it as a favor for my father, hoping that by giving him something he’s been working on (for longer than I’ve been alive), that maybe he might be more accepting to my lifestyle. I can’t help that I love women. I remember the day I came out to my father, he said to me, “Can’t you just quit?” (as if lesbianism were a pack of cigarettes)… and once he said, “I have failed as a father.” I’ve tried everything in my power to assure him that my sexual orientation has nothing to do with his raising me, but he’s still in denial. It’s hard. It really is. And we were very close when I was a kid. My mom, on the other hand, the one woman who abused me and made my life a living hell growing up (and who I could have justifiably murdered on many occasions)… has become one of my closest friends. We call each other all the time (and trust me, I hated this woman my entire life until the last 2 years). She still won’t talk about the fact I’m a lesbian and sort of ignores it. She has never once asked me if I’ve found a girlfriend or a female love - but she often shares about the men in her life. She’s still in denial too, but at least she accepts who I am. I was afraid both of them would disown me to tell you the truth (they swore they would) - since both are religious fanatics. Both are pro-life, both are anti-gay rights, both believe that homosexuality is a sure way to go to hell. — so anyway — I’m throwing an Xmas shindig at my place this year, and I’m leaving all my dungeon furniture out in the open. If they want to come to my place, they’re welcome to… but they have to leave preaching at the door. So far my mom and sister (and possibly brother) are coming. Not sure about anyone else, as they might be going off in separate directions. Our family is so scattered.
I put out a newsletter and sent it to most of my customers on Niteflirt which shared a personal bit of information about me. I know some of you may want to crucify me for it, but my real birthday is on 10-31-80 (halloween), not 11-11-81. If you did not receive the newsletter, you can read it below. I’m 26 years old, not 25 (will be 27 in less than 2 weeks)… I had faked that birthdate many years ago when beginning my online persona to protect my identity. However, I’ve been doing so many newspaper, magazine, radio, online interviews and other publicity stuff - and one of the common questions is, “How old are you?” So I thought it would be a good time to come clean. Besides, it feels really weird making people believe my birthday is 2 weeks later than it really is.
Hi sweetie,
I’ve released several new (some free) mp3s & videos and thought you might enjoy some of them 
(((sample mp3s here)))
Eject your mind and enter Isabella. Whether you are a skeptic or a slave or a skeptic slave, the reason you are here is because hypnosis fascinates you. So give in to the overwhelming feeling of submission and allow yourself total pleasure by submitting to Me. Submit to My words, My commands, My voice and give up your power and control. Play Free Sample
I’ll be in Hawaii from Oct 30-Nov 19 earning a Master Practitioner certification in NLP, so I’ll be gone for 21 days. I’ll bring a laptop, but please allow extra time for replies during that time.
Please don’t kill Me. I led many of you to believe My birthday to be on November 11th, 1981 - I figured it would protect My identity easier on the net. At the time I decided to make up that birthdate, it was during a time when I had absolutely no intention of letting people see My real photos or get a glimpse into My life. Times have changed over the last few years as I have grown more comfortable sharing all sides of Me with photos, videos, etc. When I do publicity interviews, I often tell them the truth, so why not all of you? I’m 26 years old, not 25. I’m still a scorpio. I was born on October 31, 1980 - yup, halloween night at 8:45pm. Does it come as a surprise that I was born on Halloween and am obsessed with wigs, dressing up, costumes, cemeteries, witchcraft, AND have a black cat?
On another note, I’ve now lost 107 pounds with 99 more to go. The sad part is that My breasts have gotten two cup sizes smaller (they were a double D and now they’re a large C). See FREE recent photos in My blog!
I want to thank those who participated in the charity to help fight Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Over $3500 was raised (online and through snail mail)! WOW!
The website IsabellaValentine.com has been updated in which the front page now displays a flash animation with newer photos of Me. The recordings now have subcategories for easier browsing. More photos added, pages revised.
The website IsabellasRecordings.com has lots of new updates - lots of free mp3s, free videos, free stuff.
But at least I have kick ass jewelry.
Gucci watch I got in London:
A diamond cluster in a pave setting white gold ring:
A black stainless steel ring with lasered engravings on the enamel:
A white gold ring with 3 big diamonds with bagettes on side:
A white gold ring with a skeleton head with diamonds and black diamonds:
My foot and hand:
My favorite jewelry though (not shown) is my 4 carat bracelet and old wedding ring.
Love
Isabella
xoxoxo
About the Author: Isabella Valentine, certified clinical hypnotherapist and certified NLP practitioner specializing in erotic hypnosis, specifically feminization, sissification, pantyboys, mind control, and femdom brainwashing.
adevotedslave | Jan 1, 2001 | Reply
anonymous | Oct 21, 2007 | Reply
I doubt that anyone would laugh at you Mistress. One thing all of us have are those memories. Anyone who saw you laugh would want to laugh with you, anyone who saw you sad would want to make you laugh. And I am deeply sorry about slave angelica as well as (slave?) deidre. Any chance she might one day knock on your door? As I know How deeply you would love her to be your rightful slave. Hope it happens for you one day.
Scion
adevotedslave | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
Miss Isabella:
Scion pointed out that there may be a day when I come a’knockin’ on Your door. That is defiantly something that I want to do, but coming right at the end of the relationship with Lee is not the best time. I’d be doing so for the wrong reasons - well, some of them would be oh so right, but I need to regrow into my skin and become comfortable with myself before I could ever even consider attempting to properly serve You either in a visit capacity or a permanent slave capacity (if You would even consider such a thing when the time comes). Being with You back in January was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I’ve said so before, but I am truly honored to know so many different facets of You.
XOXO
Deidre
ashiyane | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
It might sound tacky but I’ve been worried sick about Deidre … Silly me, I’ve never met her but when she stopped posted in her journal I was beginning to fear the worst …
Its good to know she’s ok.
I sometimes think it must be both wonderful and terrible to be you, Miss Isabella. On one hand, you have so many fans and so many people, both male and female who would love to have a relationship with you; myself included. And yet, how do you find the gems among the masses? We cannot all be with you … How do you find that right one who is actually FOR *THE* Isabella? So, while I am sure it is wonderful and thrilling to be you, I sometimes think it might also have its terrible moments as well.
I would imagine thats true for everyone though, of course.
agnarsphotoden | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
On the halloween stuff, You could see if a homeless shelter or childrens hospital or something wants any of it. Yeah, candy and sugar is bad for the health, but thats what halloween is about for kids, that and the costumes. And parents of poor, or sick kids aren’t likely to have the $ to spend on such treats. i don’t think anyone would be offended by knowing You re-gifted something to someone in serious need of some joy. Just an idea.
i’m sorry to hear about the lack of acceptance. With all the problems and bad luck i have had in my own life, the one thing that keeps me from sinking too far, is how amazingly stable and open minded my parents are. going through all levels of school, my parents were a rarity in that they were still happily together, never even close to seperation. They’re both liberals. i think they both believe in God and were raised going to church, but they never went as i grew up, and they never once pushed their beliefs onto me about anything. Even when i did stupid things like drop out of high school as a Junior, they stuck by me as i got my GED and went to college early. They let me move back in with them when i was down-sized and struggling to find work, and start my own business… *hug* i’m sorry You can’t talk about anyone You may like or be dating with them, i hope it does change in time. Some people, i fear, will never understand that homosexuality is not a choice, not some habit to break or something.
As for my life being a TV show, i’m certain it would be canceled after only 1 episode as being WAY too boring. *grin* Some days i spend all my waking hours at the computer, or fixing and eating meals, and that is just not fun to watch, unless maybe it’s a naked woman at her computer and cooking and stuff… That might be fun.
anonymous | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
Dear Mistress Isabella
i am very sorry to hear about slave angelica and also how hard it must be on You that Your parents find Your sexual preference towards Women such a negative thing.
That is actually something i can never understand about any parents who have religion as such an important part of their lives, but refuse to accept that human genetics are the cause of our sexual preferences, and surely if there is a God that is something that s/he made happen for a reason.
On a lighter note, here’s a public toilet that You may or may not like to use if You ever in London or the Netherlands
http://forums.coolest-gadgets.com/showthread.php?t=547
And here’s a few other unique ones
http://www.oddee.com/item_85906.aspx
sincerely
kay
isabellaval | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
Scion,
Thanks for your sweet comment… such reassuring words feel like a shoulder massage when I really need one
isabellaval | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
deidre,
It’s reasons like that - that enhance your admirable qualities. It takes a very strong person to be able to jump into independence after being a slave for a long time, and I admire what your ability to think level-headed. This is embarrassing for Me to admit, but when you said you were single, I went for a car ride into downtown Bloomington screaming (in My suv), “Deidre’s SINGLE!!!” and I screamed it until my voice got raw. I went through emotion sensory overload. I still can’t explain it. While you do know My door is always open (and you know as well as I do that I’ve been smitten with you since the moment W/we met - and all of My potential slavegirls are constantly being compared to you). However, I respect your decision to be where you are, to be who you are, and to live how you choose. The important thing is that you find peace within yourself during this transition - and it seems you have found that. It gives Me great satisfaction as a Domme, a friend, and a human being - to know you are happy.
isabellaval | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
I’m glad to know she’s ok too, trust Me. I think I’d turn suicidal if something happened to her (an expression, I’m not really suicidal, but it would kill Me).
The part where you said:
I sometimes think it must be both wonderful and terrible to be you, Miss Isabella. On one hand, you have so many fans and so many people, both male and female who would love to have a relationship with you; myself included. And yet, how do you find the gems among the masses? We cannot all be with you … How do you find that right one who is actually FOR *THE* Isabella? So, while I am sure it is wonderful and thrilling to be you, I sometimes think it might also have its terrible moments as well.
I must say, it can be very lonely being Me sometimes. I may seem to have all the right worldly possessions, the most friends, the most admirers, but most of those people are online. There are so few people in My close-circle of friends (and even fewer who live nearby), that I often wonder how it can be even humanly possible that thousands of people write Me every week telling Me how much they’d give their lives for Me.
I’ve searched for years and years for a slave. Not just any slave, but the perfect slave. And I do mean searched. Trained. Sweat. Blood. Tears. It’s a painstaking process. But I won’t give up, because perseverance is in My veins. Part of the reason I’ve had such difficulty is because I’m so downright picky. But I believe the slave should be equally as picky, because he/she must feel he/she made the correct choice.
I do thank you for your words, and I find it flattering that you’d even want to be with Me, considering I often go through emotional roller coaster moments.
isabellaval | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
The homeless shelter suggestion is a good one! I’ll look around here and see what I can find!! I’m not sure it would be smart to take it to a hospital since patients are put on special diets, but a homeless shelter or battered women’s shelter might be the perfect solution. Thank you!
I’m glad to hear your parents were supportive when you got your GED and stuck by you through it all. I’m so envious. I wish I had the acceptance you did! Wow….
And you made me laugh when you said your life was boring - that’s subjective isn’t it? There are times I think my life is mundane, but when I tell people what’s going on, they suddenly become fascinated and I usually think, You really think MY life is facinating? Are you serious? Because one’s opinion about oneself is often different than what they project to others.
I read a book last night that asked me to give 5 personality-traits about myself. And I couldn’t do it. Not just that I couldn’t narrow it down to five, but because how I view myself is often so different than how others view me. Everyone views me differently and there are no 5 traits that can properly describe me.
The closest I got… and this is my self-observation:
1. artistic
2. opinionated
3. perfectionist
4. determined
5. talented
—
However, if I were to ask everyone else how they might observe me, some may respond with: bitchy, overeager, self-absorbed, insane - while others might say I am: charitable, sweet, generous, loving
It’s hard to do self-evaluations. If I say something too over-the-top, then someone will disagree. If I understate something, then someone will disagree with that too.
isabellaval | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
Wow that toilet is FREAKY! But I like how others can’t see in, but you can see out. I think I’d use it with no problem. I am *not* cool with using a bathroom in front of someone watching - but in this case, I’m the one watching.
That feels like something out of the Twilight Zone or something. Kind of like when you have a dream where you’re naked in Times Square or something, except no one can see you, but you see them - where one is embarrassed with no reason to be.
anonymous | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
An old friend of mine who lives just outside of Amsterdam actually tried the toilet, but got too freaked out being able to see the public and all the cars and public transport going by, and ended up with a little bit of stage fright and wasn’t able to perform neither 1 or 2, This was when it had just been first introduced and the odd person would look and stare as if they could see in
sincerely
kay
sammikitten1981 | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
i guess mine’d be one of the ones that’s about “how much crap can we dump on this poor sucker before they crack?”
as for dealing with family, my parents kicked me out simply for pursuing psychology.. if they knew i came out as trans, they’d probably literally try to kill me.
and i’ve been wondering.. am i correct in understanding that Your slave would have no responsibilities other than serving You?
agnarsphotoden | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
the childrens hospitals around here often seem to do holiday things for the patients, since they often can’t get out on thier own, so like the kids go trick or treating around the departments to try and lighten things up. Laughter and happiness can go a long way to making a sick person healthy. But yeah, the shelters were my first thought, glad You liked it.
As to my life, i know about perspectives, but even taking that into consideration i think my life is mostly boring now. When i was in high school and college, it might have been entertaining, because some crazy stuff definitely happened. But these days, outside of taking a walk for exercise, i often don’t leave the house at all during a normal week. hehe
But i definitely can understand Your personality trait problem. i know how i think of myself. But former friends have said things about me i never would have thought about myself. And current friends have attributed qualities to me that i wouldn’t, or that i think are minor qualities in me not major.
isabellaval | Oct 22, 2007 | Reply
yikes, that sucks that your parents aren’t supportive of you, although I can somewhat understand where you’re coming from as mine don’t always support me either. It’s actually quite scary that they might get violent with you simply because of how you want to live. *hugs*
And serving Me is a pretty big responsibility as I give lots of tasks and assignments. I’ve been looking for one female slave (female-born with vagina) for My sexual domination and affection… and a second slave that is either a male or a ts (for My abuse and humiliation). For about a month, I’ve been talking with a male slave and supposedly at the end of November he’ll be staying with Me for a week to see how W/we hit it off. If it all goes well, he may move in at the beginning of the year. If it doesn’t, then I’ll move on with My search for another slave. On CollarMe.com, I have hundreds of letters from real life slaves (male or trannies) who want to serve Me 24/7, so I can be really picky with them. But women are another story. It’s very difficult to find female slaves who are looking for lesbian Dommes who control them as much as I do.
Sometimes I really wish I were attracted to penis - because then I could pick and choose from many people and it would be an effortless search. But it’s aggravating because all I want is women. And girl slaves (real girl slaves, not submissive slutty girls - but slaves) are extremely hard to find. If you know of any, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let Me know.