I’m not sure where to start but I feel compelled to write this morning. The last couple days I haven’t really known what to say because I feel like some of my boundaries have expanded but I’m still not quite sure what I believe. I’ve grown rather close with some students in my class – and each of us are so incredibly different. Each one of us has amazing strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others and for some reason I am finally able to see the big picture so I can see myself objectively. For years I’ve rejected the idea of spirituality, souls, energy, etc because I am very much into science and believing the “proven” and things that have some sort of explanation.

I know it seems like I’m talking vaguely but bear with me cause I’m trying to use this journal to sort my thoughts at the same time. The thing is – I’ve always been a sexual person – an intensely sexual person — everything is sexual to me. The trees, the sky, people, things, it’s everywhere for me – sex is everywhere and a part of everything to me. But someone said to me, “Is sex your religion?” and I had to think about it for a little bit. Actually I thought about it a lot… a couple days now and I’ve finally come to the realization that sex has been my religion for years. And then I was asked, “Where does your idea of sexuality end and where does spirituality begin?” At first, that was extremely hard for me to grasp, especially since I didn’t believe in spirituality. It seemed hokey and stupid to me. When I think of spirituality, I think of all the ridiculous religions out there and some white bearded man in the clouds who hates people. Once I broke down that barrier, many things have seemed to come clear to me.

I can’t explain this right now cause I’m still in a state of trying to understand what my beliefs are. I do know that I’m a miserable person. I really am. I mean, yeah I have happy days where I am on top of the world… I have all the money I could ever need, all the material possessions a human being could ever want, have friends, success, a great career, and I know what my passions are… but even with all that… I have always felt like something was missing. Like a void. It’s not something I’ve really shared with people because I’m still working on my own issues of control. Oh yeah. I have serious control issues. I hate even admitting that sometimes. Sometimes I feel if I say things that are my faults, that somehow that makes me weaker as a person. I hate being seen as weak, small, humble, or vulnerable because I equate it with submissiveness, weakness, and just being less strong as a person. I LIKE being strong and tough… but the problem with that is that I usually wear this fucking mask that is designed to both protect me as well as others. It protects ME because I don’t have to worry about rejection. And it protects OTHERS because they won’t be subject to my harsh negativity.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. But I know what I’m feeling when I write this and that’s a start.

I felt something that I can’t explain. I don’t want to call it God because that’s just weird for me and I’m not ready to accept that. But I felt SOMETHING and it felt like electricity. And for the last two days I’ve become more and more in tune to it. It’s a “connection to source” where I just felt plugged into the world for once. For some people, that makes them laugh or roll their eyes, that’s ok, I still do it sometimes. And for other people, they sometimes get goosebumps as they think about the possibility of an anti-spiritual person accepting some sort of belief, even if it starts at baby steps.

Is there a such thing as accepting spirituality in baby steps? It seems to be happening to me.

Two nights ago, I remember lying in bed listening to the ocean and I said the word “God” out loud like 200 times just so I could say the word without twitching. It was very difficult to do, but I “pretended” that the existence of God (not the religious God, mind you – just the electric overall presence of it) and I figured I had nothing to lose to PRETEND. After all, anyone can pretend, right? I even tried replacing the word God with Jehovah or Allah but still felt pretty fucked up about it… so here’s what I did… please don’t laugh. haha. I closed my eyes and asked my unconscious mind, If I’m uncomfortable with the word God, what would would I choose instead? And I just listened for a second and the first word that I thought of was “loa” which I had no idea what it meant. No clue. It was a word I made up and had never even heard it before. And when I said the word aloud and listened to the ocean, I felt my whole body go into catalepsy and felt paralyzed from head to toe. It was calm, but I didn’t know how to tell the difference between feeling being “still” to being “in tune” to spirituality. After all, how can someone KNOW if they don’t know what they’re looking for? The next day, out of curiousity, I typed in “loa” on wikipedia and was utterly shocked. It even means “love” in another language and is apparently an intermediary between people and gods. I mean how fucked up is that – that I came up with that word – a word I had never heard before — and it meant THAT. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Now… EVERYTHING reminds me of loa – “lords of acid” a sexual band, “law of attraction” – faith, and here in Hawaii apparently loa is part of the name of either one of the mountains or volcanos or something.

The next thing I am about to say was a surreal experience for me, but it may just seem stupid to some people. I listened. I really LISTENED to the sound of the ocean, which I could hear with the balcony door open in the room. And I said out loud (I don’t know why I said it, I just wanted to be proven wrong, I guess), “Loa or whatever this is, I want to hear… I want to feel… Let me see…” And as I said that, INSTANTLY the sprinklers outside came on and at first I saw it as a distraction and got annoyed but then I thought to myself, Didn’t I ask to hear? Maybe I should just shut up and stop arguing with myself and just listen for once. and the minute I stopped arguing and analyzing the coincidence of the sprinkler coming on, I felt — I really FELT my whole body being cleansed by the water from inside my body. I can’t explain it. It immediately put me into a sleep and I woke up 8 hours later.

When I woke up the next morning, I thought what I had experienced was silly, perhaps stupid so I kind of kept the experience to myself. But THROUGHOUT the DAY, I had at least 6 experiences similar to that. I could feel it just looking into people’s eyes or feeling a table or looking at a plant, a tree, or the ocean. And it was as though SOMETHING was trying to connect to ME. It felt like electricity, an energy, something. I feel kind of ridiculous just writing this out, but I guess that’s just something I have to deal with… but I felt it… and saw it… and heard it.

Today I’m beginning to think it’s all around me.

The last couple nights I’ve been hypnotizing other students to help their sex lives privately in my hotel room. Many of them are familiar with my Isabella Valentine persona, so they wanted to see how I could incorporate sex into hypnosis – as it was very new to them. I felt the presence of loa, god, energy, connection to source, whatever the hell you want to call it – each time I hypnotized a person. The transitions in their bodies and attitudes changed tremendously in such a short time. For the first time in my life, I physically saw transformations before my very own eyes based on words that I said and I feel utterly and completely inspired to do hypnosis and stuff to help people’s lives on a bigger scale. Not just domination – something bigger and deeper than that. This feeling – I can’t explain it, but it’s a feeling that once people experience it, there is no better thing in the world. No words. It transcends sex. It’s bigger and better than sex. When someone touches me now, my whole skin comes alive. When someone looks into my eyes, I see something more than just a pupil and an iris.

I never thought the day would come where I would write something like this. But I have. And that’s a giant step for me.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxox

P.S. There are earthquakes and tremors on this island every day. The other day I felt tremors and as the ground shook, my whole body went into this complete state of peace and bliss. Is it stupid that I feel I connect with the land out here? Shit. This is crazy but I’m going to stop fighting it because this feels wonderful.