Intimacy: Again

After I posted yesterday’s “Intimacy” journal entry, I received quite a few emails from people who all gave their input. There was much valuable information and responses which led to new insight of my current situation, so I want to say thank you. One person mentioned genderless love and said some things that really hit home for me and I wanted to address the question asked of me.

The question, although simply stated, required much thought on my part… to consider new possibilities. The question was, “Would you consider also having a male or transgender equal in addition to your female lesbian equal, your female submissive girl, and your male submissive boy?”

My first thought-spoken answer, without hesitation was, “No way.”

But then I thought about it. And thought about it some more. Then slept on it. Then spent most of today thinking about it. My answer has turned into YES, with the exception that whomever the person may be, must be attractive to me, not just on a spiritual/emotional/mental level (that’s the easy part), but also on a physical level. It’s very difficult for me to find men that I find attractive. I’m not into “pretty boys” or muscular beach-boy types. I like geeks, computer nerds, programmers, smart, intellectual genders. If the person happens to have a penis, I suppose I might be ok having a relationship with them… but as far as sexual attraction, I really don’t know. I’m not often turned on by men, for the most part. It would take an exceptional person, and I do mean exceptional… for me to consider saying yes.

Someone asked me which male celebrity I would have sex with, if given the opportunity, and my answer is firmly, “Johnny Depp,” who is very in tune with his feminine side, reflects intellectualism and talent, and is fine as hell. I suppose if I met a man who could balance femininity and masculinity and showed surreal intellect and talent, I could possibly consider a full-time relationship with him. But of course, you’d have to keep in mind that I could never remain monogomous with a man. I NEED women. I cannot and will not live without women. As long as I get to have my cake and eat it too, then I would consider it.

It’s amazing. The questions and responses I receive from journal-readers never cease to surprise me. It means a lot that even though I live a very complex and often, hard-to-understand lifestyle, my world generates enough interest to be considered worth reading. In between all the bullshit, exaggerations, and storytelling, there is a lot of surreal down-to-earth realism in the dropless form of reality that I live. Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out fantasy from reality, because of times I feel I live in the fantasy world that once existed in only my head. Today, my fantasy world has manifested into a richness of life and colors which only continues to surpass my expectations.

Yesterday, I remember asking the question to myself, “Do we have free will?” In the past, I would have automatically answered yes. Now, I’m not so sure.

It wasn’t until a couple months ago that I started believing in past-life experiences (before, I rejected it whole-heartedly as a stupid myth). Not only do I believe in it now, I actually believe I am an old soul who has possibly lived 14,000 lifetimes, much more than the average person who has lived in the hundreds. And as humbly as I can say this, I often feel as though I only have one lifetime left before I return to “connection to source.” In November of last year, during my Hawaiian experience, I discovered my life lesson. My sole purpose of learning during THIS lifetime. Right now, I am in the process of executing it.

There are times I feel that all I’d have to do is close my eyes, and I could easily remove my soul from my body and go off into a different plane/dimension. Doing so would, in fact, mean I would die as a human. I have no problem or fear of death, but embrace it. Sometimes I wonder how many human years I have left before I allow myself to go. And it simply would be a matter of simply shutting my eyes (so don’t confuse this with suicide). The thing is, I still have many human unfinished business things I’d have to work on before that happens (for instance, I refuse to die if my family is stuck paying my house payments).

During one of my metaphysical out-of-body experiences, I had a personal message delivered to me by one of my spirit guides (I know, I sound ridiculous to most of you right now) and I was told that my NEXT lifetime will be my last, because the life lesson I need to learn cannot be learned in this current, human lifetime. My next lifetime, I’ll learn the art of losing control. I thought it was ironic, since I spend most of my days as a hypnotist, urging YOU to lose control… when the truth is, I control everything. I feel like I rely on control just to breathe. I often feel I need to control other people sometimes or control my environment. Leadership comes naturally to me and when I have to give up control, it’s often a slap in the face. My next lifetime will revolve around that, and will certainly be a lesson worth learning. In the meantime, my objective during THIS lifetime is to start spreading healing through knowledge and guidance. Who would have thought that’s what it would have become? Healing? And on a human level, with my obsession with sexuality and gender issues… it only seems natural to combine healing with sex, to help people become one with themselves, to help people accept themselves as WHO they are and embrace their genders no matter what they may be. My feminization recordings will only continue to improve and will certainly soon go further up the path of gender-acceptance and healing.

With that being said, how can I teach the art of gender-acceptance without considering the possibility of having a lifetime relationship with one of every gender?

Love
Isabella
xoxoxoox