Can there be intimacy in porn?

Perhaps what I’m about to say isn’t a shared opinion. And perhaps it might even upset some people in the adult web cam industry. My goal is to express my experience and not to undermine anyone’s work ethic. So before I begin discussing the topic at hand, I’d like to preface this by saying I have many (real life) friends who work successfully and diligently in the adult industry working their webcams and of COURSE there will ALWAYS be exceptions to the rule. Here is what happened last night.

Ok. So as you may know, I’ve been out of state for the last week staying at a family member’s house. With all the lack of privacy and lack of time, I absolutely did not masturbate during the vacation. For me, that’s a long time! I’m used to masturbating maybe once per day or at LEAST once every two days. So for me to go nearly a week was mentally exhausting. When I got home, my roommate Jenni was packing her suitcase for a vacation to Maryland… so naturally, a lightbulb goes off and I think, “Yay I get the house to myself! I can masturbate and orgasm as loud as I want!”

So night time comes. I am alone in the house. I go online browsing for internet porn. This time I wanted something different than the usual dominant woman whipping a submissive girl. Variety is important or else I’ll get bored. This time I wanted to watch a girl on webcam. I just wanted to see her stripteasing and flirting into the camera as if I were in a stripclub. A girl who smiles, looks like the girl next door, and who likes to tease. Not hard, right? Since I knew what I wanted, now I had to figure out where to go.

I could have picked Niteflirt, because it’s where I work. But I opted against it because I’d hate to put a girl in a strange position to feel obligated to put on a show for one of her coworkers. Sometimes girls get pesky on Niteflirt if they think “competition” is watching them. And yes, I do have a separate screen name on Niteflirt for the very sole purpose of masturbating and getting off to girls. Most of the time they have no clue it’s me unless I just tell them. If I think even for a moment that a webcam girl on Niteflirt is intimidated by me (and most won’t admit it, but often times they are), I won’t pay for her services. When I’m in masturbation-mode, the last thing I want to do is “check out competition,” and instead just wanna get my nut off.

So I went to an unfamiliar adult cam website, which I’ll leave nameless. If you’re desperate to know the name, email me (not through Niteflirt) and I’ll tell you. The girls were pretty and beautiful, as are many camgirls in the industry. They even had a free chat you could have before hand with the girls. The girls wouldn’t really type back, but they would look all cute and pretty in the preview video screen. I went from one girl’s video preview screen to another… looking for someone who, frankly, didn’t appear bored out of her mind. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that it is impossible to be in a hot, horny, happy mood 24 hours a day. I’m well familiar with this adult industry and was a phone sex operator for many years before becoming a hypnotist. I know a lot of the attitudes are “put on” to make the customer feel happy, and that was ok with me. I didn’t need genuine “hot and horny” from a girl. But I at LEAST wanted her to pretend she was hot for me. Was that too much to ask? Couldn’t a girl just pretend to be excited to see a paying customer?

So I gave a girl a try. She looked adorable in the preview screen. It was a pay-per-minute deal, and I had about an hour’s worth of credits. The minute she comes on, she strips completely naked (absolutely no teasing involved at all) and begins going through the motions like a robot. And I stopped her and explained what I wanted. I told her it would turn me on if she took her time and stripteased her clothes like a stripper. Where she’ll show a breast, then cover it up. Show her ass, then play hard to get. And I also know that it’s important for ME to be just as vocal about what *I* want so that she’s not left playing a guessing game. She immediately got redressed and then sat there like an idiot. She rubbed the same spot on her panties the whole time without moving her legs, her arms, nothing. It was like watching the Twilight Zone on crack. She was a zombie. I left. I wanted someone else.

Girl number two. Hot, cute, wore glasses. Million dollar smile. Very very very cute. I figured if she wears glasses maybe she’s intelligent and can give me lots of eye contact which is very hot, especially in a stripclub. I paid for a private show and we began. I described what I wanted but she seemed confused. Finally she just asked if she wanted me to zoom in on her face and I said sure. So the duration of the time, she either put a dildo or her finger in her mouth and sucked on it. I did not want to pay by the minute to watch a girl sucking on something. Again I spoke up and told her what I wanted: a striptease. That’s all I had been trying to get. Nothing. She kept sucking her finger like a baby. I left.

Maybe third time would be a charm. Third girl. At this point I didn’t even care if I got a striptease. I just wanted to get aroused. Until this point, I wasn’t even slightly aroused. Those who know me can testify that even mundane things like leaves, trees, and carpet can sexually excite me. Come on ladies, I’m easy to arouse. Honest. I got money to spend, take your time. Let’s do this. So this other girl comes on, she actually begins doing a striptease without me even asking. Wow. How hot. Perfect body. Instant clit boner. Fucking hot. About ten minutes go by, she’s been doing lots of eye contact into the camera, touching her body, etc… and then…. she ruined my nut. She began typing on the computer. At first I thought she was typing to me and there must have been a delay. Nope. She continued to type and type and type to people. Apparently I wasn’t the only one watching this so-called “private show.”

Sorry, but I absolutely cannot get off watching a girl type on her keyboard to another “customer.” It ruined the fantasy of thinking that, temporarily, she was really interested in me. I left.

Fuck it.

So I did the unthinkable. I masturbated looking at a photo of myself. It worked. It was better than getting laid. Looking directly into my own eyes, I established intimacy. And because it was a self-portrait, I knew what I was thinking at the time and it was genuine arousal. And because it ME, what’s not to like but yourself? It’s not the first time I’ve masturbated to my picture, video, or voice… and certainly won’t be the last. After last night, I can only assume I’ll want to display more things worth wacking off too, at least for me.

Love
Isabella
xoxoxoxo