My spiritual awakening began a little over a year ago at Matt James’ training in Kona, HI and I “heard” the island ancestors speaking to me. He teaches Huna which is Ancient Hawaiian Magical Shamanism taught the modern way – and I got a taste of it. It was there that I discovered my own personal energy and the body+mind+spirit connection. I call it “awakening” because it’s like a rediscovery of already-existing stuff already living inside my spirit. Since then, I’ve been gradually able to tap into more and more elemental and shamanic energies. The Scorpio inside me (plus being born on the day of the dead) and my never-ceasing talks with spirits, living and non-living… not to mention my love of animals (sometimes with more pity than compassion since humans can be so cruel to them) – has catapulted my instincts to work on balancing myself better. It’s difficult sometimes. Especially when, in my anger state, I can’t help but think the rest of the world is a bunch of idiots and I’m the only smart person alive. I could talk negative forever about humans – seriously – be a vegetarian for a while and then realize how many evil-forces there are who mutilate your friends while hacking them alive. One way I “get through” being alive is by embracing Buddhism. I can sit against a tree or on the ground and clear my mind and “meet” with people up high. My fiance and I have learned to “meet” each other out of body. It’s unreal. I can feel we’ll be together forever and he’s soooo good for me. My goal is to get my anger under control so he never has to be afraid. Men shouldn’t be afraid of their wives’ tempers. Fear is an unnecessary evil in my honest, often-disagreed-with opinion. In my world, there should be no pain – although often inevitable. I wish for: only love and surrender. So when there is anger, it’s usually because I love something “too much” and end up getting angry that I can’t directly affect a giant massive situation or that no one cares to do anything to change a situation due to selfishness.

The internet has unleased a world of pent-up ignorance. I pretend the dumb emails (and flesh-eating youtube comments from anonymous vultures) don’t exist and try to focus on intelligent conversation. I can’t help but sometimes have a CNN-analyst mentality towards stupid behavior on the internet and how people can hide behind anonymity to be cruel and heartless. Buddha knows, sometimes I’d rather walk away than listen to someone’s opinion. I’ve always been good at closing people off, really. I’ve always been the “successful-loner” type where I love solitude and getting things done by myself. My dad and grandfather are the same way. It’s in our blood. I’m constantly brought off my pedestal, because frankly… I’m trying to learn how to be humble. My fiance is humble. All he does is show respect and bow his head. He’s so quiet that most of the time I ask him to speak up. We’re trying to follow the same spiritual structure so we can believe in something together. My personality struggles with the concept of humility. I’m so used to being on top. I’m so used to being in control and getting my way. It’s hard for me to even pretend liking people when most of the time, I want to center and ground myself and do yoga and go millions of light years away from this galaxy – away from pain, away from humans, away from war, away from selfishness. I’m so tired of it. Can’t we all just agree that John Holmes the Porn Cat is the cutest cat on the world when he’s surrounded by snow?

Then I remember Kuan-Yin (also spelled Quan-Yin)… she was a male deity first, then turned into female. From India to China to Tibet, she is known as two people: male and female. She is a transgendered Goddess for the most-part. You can read about her online. She is full of compassion and mercy and I’m sure, at one time, had to deal with a lot of anger. All my anger is justified, just as many deities. But I want to learn how to not be so angry at people all the time. Really, people sometimes just make me want to lash out – even at strangers. When I get really really angry, I tap into Kuan-Yin and remember her grace and compassion. She loved everyone, and yes, sometimes she loved people too much – sometimes she loved people like they were her children, so she was sometimes like a fertility Goddess. Her nurturing love was sometimes so overwhelming that there is controversy over her type of love – some people think her type of over-compassion can be viewed as pity. I can’t stand the controversy. She was a good person. Why can’t people leave it at that. She was more beautiful than most of the people I know. Her heart was giving and altruistic, not callous and heartless.

I am so grateful for Kuan-Yin. Now that I know her and have been introduced to her, on an astral level… I want to learn how she learned without experiencing pain – or is that possible. Pain is a tricky thing. Some say that one can’t experience love without pain. Others say you can’t have intimacy without pain. Pain happens. It’s how we deal with it and get it under control so it doesn’t control us.

I made a recording recently called “Transgendered Goddess” where Kuan-Yin is introduced to the listener under hypnosis while balancing male and female within the body. On top of that, the listener gets to have a threesome with oneself while seeing both genders within the spirit – be brought to life in front of him. I really hope it’s a success. Everything felt positive, nurturing, loving – and my gut felt good about it. I love Kuan-Yin. I discovered her a couple months ago and have always found her to be a calming, divine spirit.
 
Love
Isabella
xoxoox